I am Courtney J.
I created this blog
to share my thoughts publicly on private matters
I experience as a young woman living in NYC.
The grand experience would be:
YOU taking away something for yourself,
feeling accompanied through your intimate thoughts and seeing that someone like me... can be just like someone like you.
When did I grow up? 29 years old, 144 days (5 months) away from being 30 and I’m trying to figure out the moment I “felt” grown.
Was it that time when I had an off-and-on relationship with a very stern man who lived miles and miles away (and emotional levels apart) who waited until his child was almost a year old to tell me the kid existed?
Was it that day when my best friend of many years had slept with yet another man out of a group of my exes, friends and even relatives?
Maybe it was the day I got an unsolicited phone call from a man I spent years being a public friend/private lover to, calling and telling me he never loved me and we were never a thing; and I can go blog about that (despite the many emails/texts/voicemails I could present to anyone where he confessed the opposite).
No, those things just hurt.
I grew up when I realized that the people, events of the past, behaviors and even the desires of my heart didn’t define me; only my choices did.
And let’s face it, for all of that to have happened to me; it’s clear I’ve made some bad choices.
Some of them I was well aware of; others not so much. I stepped out on ignorance and called it faith. I trusted people after they proved themselves untrustworthy. I ignored the lack of responsibility to our friendship/relationship the other person had and continued to maintain mine. I allowed life to happen to me instead of grabbing hold of it and shaping it into what I wanted for myself.
It wasn’t because I was hell-bent on being stupid.
It was because that was what society was promoting and teaching me and perpetuating.
In my early 20s, everyone was so dismissive of the importance of time and of my nagging feeling to make serious decisions.
"You’ve got all the time in the world to: (insert goal I wanted to achieve)”
When speaking with people in their late 20s, early 30s: “Oh, you’re so young, don’t worry about it.”
When speaking with girlfriends about whether to stay or leave a guy: “What will be, will be.”
When speaking to guy friends: “Take life as it comes.”
When speaking about the future with significant others: “If it happens, it happens”.
I know better now. We all do; don’t we?
Every single person who said those things to me has or would apologize for the misguided remarks. Being in your early twenties does not make you invincible. You will not achieve your goals just because. You can’t let life just “happen" to you. The future doesn’t have to bring you to your goals; it just has to move you forward in time.
You have to set goals, apply yourself, stand by what you want and pay attention so that the first (ok, definitely by the second) time you see that something isn’t what you want it to be; move on and find something that is.
I got to this age through a lot of fun living, happiness and God’s grace.
I started to doubt myself when I felt increasing sadness, pain, disappointment and regret.
I grew up when I realized that my life was capable of being everything I could ever wish it to be by making choices. Good ones, hard ones, sad ones, but largely smart ones.
And now, 144 days away from 30, I’m challenging myself to make choices in my life that will get me closest to the person I want to be by 30. Those are my public thoughts on a private matter,
If you’re in love then you are the lucky one.
Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun, to distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I’m forever missing him.
You caused it.
Lyrics from “Youth” by Daughter